11 reasons to think twice before asking someone if they’re planning on having another baby

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I get asked pretty much on a daily basis if I’m going to have another baby or whether three is my limit. Usually it’s by complete strangers or people I only vaguely know. I generally laugh it off saying that I’m happy with three, and that yes, this is probably it.

What I really want to say though is, “I know you are being polite and friendly and making conversation, and it’s always lovely when people are genuinely interested in talking to me, but there are any number of reasons why asking me this could upset me or cause me offence, and why I don’t wish to discuss my reproductive intentions with someone I barely know”.
Perhaps that sounds over the top or irrational. I’m sure there are countless parents who wouldn’t bat an eyelid if they were asked this. However, I’ve had so many conversations with other parents, mostly (but not exclusively) those with one child, saying how difficult they find hearing this question and that they struggle to know how to respond.

Indeed, before I had children, I found myself fighting off the tears when people used to ask me when I was going to have a baby not long after I’d had a devastating miscarriage. I will never forget one occasion where someone told me in a room full of people, that if I wanted a baby I should “hurry up and get on with it” as I wasn’t getting any younger. I know this person didn’t know what I had been through, and the comment was in jest, but it upset me, and I know similar remarks upset a lot of other women, and men, too. Sometimes it’s really difficult to put on a poker face and pretend everything is okay when someone you barely know asks you about something so deeply personal.

So, next time you feel the urge to ask someone you don’t know that well if they are having another baby, or indeed, their first baby, here are 11 reasons why you should stop and think twice.
1. They might have been trying for the last year or two and are devastated that nothing is happening. Just because they have a child, it doesn’t mean they are immune from difficulties in conceiving number two or beyond.

2. They might have just had a miscarriage (or more than one) and are finding it painfully hard to talk about it.

3. They might want another baby but their partner might not. It might be causing lots of arguments between them and they might be very upset about this.

4. Baby number one might have been conceived with fertility treatment and they might not be entitled to another round, or able to afford another one privately. Or perhaps they did have another round, it didn’t work and they are devastated.

5. They might have suffered with terrible post-natal depression and are terrified of it happening again if they were to have another child.

6. They might have had a complicated pregnancy or birth and might have been advised that having another baby could be dangerous for them and the child.

7. They might have recently split up with their partner, the other parent of their child/children, or they might have been widowed.

8. They might genuinely want one child and are fed up of having to continually justify this decision by strangers who think it is their place to criticise this choice.

9. They might be taking strong medication where the side effects mean it is not advisable to get pregnant as it could be harmful for the baby.
10. They might be desperate for another child but can’t afford it. Having one may have been a financial struggle, and another maternity leave, more childcare to pay for and another mouth to feed would be too much.
11. They might have had a difficult, stressful time with baby number one being ill/in hospital/having reflux/milk or food allergies/autism/or any other condition, and adding another child to the mix is just too much to contemplate right now.

Do let me know what you think. You can tweet me on @cardfifmummy or follow me on Facebook

24 Comments to 11 reasons to think twice before asking someone if they’re planning on having another baby

  1. I completely agree – I think often people don’t realise how potentially insensitive the question is, even when meant innocently.

    And even as a man, that question can sting. The same goes for “when are you going to start a family?” One of my best friends used to regularly ask – 100% in jest – when we were going to get round to having our first child. At the time, we had been trying for three years and my wife had suffered three miscarriages, so it wasn’t a question that went down particularly well even though I know he would have been mortified had he known.

    I wrote a similar piece on this very topic a while back – may be of interest … http://slouchingtowardsthatcham.com/2014/08/07/why-one-child-parents-arent-selfish/

    • I love your post, very well said. I can imagine it must have been really difficult to be asked questions about starting a family when you were going through so much heartache. We had a bit of it after my miscarriage and I found it so upsetting. Hopefully blog posts like this one and yours will help raise a bit of awareness.

  2. I so almost wrote this exact same blog the other day but I couldn’t find the right words and deleted my draft!! I am so with you! I’m at point number 10 on your list and it does my brain in having to inform people that yes, I’d love another baby, yes we both work and earn decent enough salaries but no we can’t afford two lots of childcare – I mean have they seen how much nursery fees are?!

    Love this post 🙂 you managed to write what I wanted 🙂

    • Aww glad the post resonated with you, although not glad that you are going through it too. People really can be so insensitive and it’s horrible when you get asked all the time. You should write your post too – hope the words come to you! X

  3. Great post, I’ve often thought the same. We are sticking with one but the amount of people who feel they can say ‘oh, you’ll change your mind’ is ridiculous. If I said that to someone who said they wanted more children they’d think I was being really rude, quite rightly! It’s also something people should think about when making jokey comments about having kids, I remember a bit of a baby boom at my workplace years ago and someone (a male manager) said to me ‘don’t you get any ideas’ which he thought was funny. You have no idea what is going on behind the scenes, for he all knew I could have been trying for years. grr!

    • Exactly! You never know what is going on and what heartache someone might be going through. I know people mean it kindly or in jest a lot of the time, but it’d be nice if they would just consider it might not be that simple for everyone. X

  4. You are SO right! I know people are making conversation but it drives me mad. I mean, seriously, what are we supposed to reply to that question? It’s a really sensitive issue and I’ve just been through number 2. You bat off the questions but there are a number of reasons, are you say, that it can really hurt. The worst is when it is my mum who goes on about a second sibling! Thanks for writing this. Elizabeth x

    • I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. It’s such a difficult thing to go through. Hope you are bearing up okay. I’m glad the post resonated with you but really sorry you are facing these questions too. I know most people’s intentions are good but it’d be nice if they could think first. X

  5. itsamummything

    I really couldn’t agree more with any and all of this! Once Wonderboy turned 2 that’s the question I have fielded for a year and half since! We had 2 miscarriages before having him and even then I was on injections twice a day and vomiting up to 8 times a day for 9 months. Turns out I’m not very good at being pregnant and certainly not something I wanted to take on when he was only 2. Thanks for the post x

    • I’m so sorry to hear what a tough time you had. It sounds like it must have been really difficult for you. It seems this post has resonated with a lot of people and as nice as it is when people like what you have written and can relate to it, it makes me incredibly sad that so many people get these questions when they are already often feeling so vulnerable. x

  6. I get asked all the time and it drives me mad, I never really know how to reply! Usually I just say something like we haven’t really decided yet, or we’re not ready for another. The truth is I want to lose weight before thinking about having another baby and the last thing I want is to be discussing my diet or lack of diet!!

  7. This post is very interesting… I find it kind of funny how people you don’t know involve themselves quite deeply in a personal matter like that; although of course it does seem like a fly away comment I guess, a conversation maker.

    For us, me and my partner, number 8 is our reason… And a whole lot more tends to come from that conversation! The one that drives me nuts is, ‘when he gets older, you’ll change your mind.’ No, no I won’t, age isn’t the deciding factor in this, it is a personal decision.

    You shared some valid and true points.

  8. Great post – it really is such an insensitive question to ask someone and I would have to be incredibly close to someone before I would even consider asking it, and probably only then if they initiated the conversation.

  9. The majority of people wouldn’t dream of asking such a direct question about a persons sex life but seem to feel it’s okay to ask a person about having a baby? It’s always struck me as a little odd. Also my experience has been that the people who badger you the most about having a baby, don’t seem to be the first ones to offer their personal babysitting services.

  10. I could have written this exact post (given some eloquence!). I was also told, surrounded by people, that if I didn’t get my skates on I’d be too old to be a good mother. I hadn’t had a miscarriage and I hadn’t been trying to conceive for long but this still hurt really badly. That person knew nothing about us, and I couldn’t stop imagining how I would have felt if I’d had a miscarriage etc. This statement was repeated, to which I replied quite abruptly “this isn’t a conversation I’m going to have with you”. He continued regardless so I repeated the same sentence stressing the word “you”. It made me feel awfully rude and I wish I’d had a more witty answer. It really spoilt my night. That person has barely spoken to me since.

    When I did fall pregnant, I found it awfully strange that people (familiar and strangers) would ask whether it was planned!…to some i actually answered straightfaced “no, not really, the condom split”! Some of those people then realised how inappropriate a comment it was (though some didn’t)! I mean…what sort of answer did they expect?! And how were they planning on responding after my answer?!
    I’ve since had a baby and am now dreading similar questions about another… If you come across good answers, let me know!

  11. I could have written this exact post (given some eloquence!). I was also told, surrounded by people, that if I didn’t get my skates on I’d be too old to be a good mother. I hadn’t had a miscarriage and I hadn’t been trying to conceive for long but this still hurt really badly. That person knew nothing about us, and I couldn’t stop imagining how I would have felt if I’d had a miscarriage etc. This statement was repeated, to which I replied quite abruptly “this isn’t a conversation I’m going to have with you”. He continued regardless so I repeated the same sentence stressing the word “you”. It made me feel awfully rude and I wish I’d had a more witty answer. It really spoilt my night. That person has barely spoken to me since.

    When I did fall pregnant, I found it awfully strange that people (familiar and strangers) would ask whether it was planned!…to some i actually answered straightfaced “no, not really, the condom split”! Some of those people then realised how inappropriate a comment it was (though some didn’t)! I mean…what sort of answer did they expect?! And how were they planning on responding after my answer?!
    I’ve since had a baby and am now dreading similar questions about another… If you come across good answers, let me know!

    • I wish I knew the perfect answer. Send them this post perhaps! That person does sound very rude indeed, as you say, you could have been going through anything.
      I love that you answered about the condom breaking! That’s brilliant! It is very inappropriate to ask if a baby was planned or not. Honestly, some people have no tact whatsoever!

  12. My son is nearly three and I get asked this a lot. I agree it’s such a personal question I can’t believe it gets asked so often. My current stock response is ‘not today I’m washing my hair…’

    • Cardiff Mummy Says

      Ha, great response. Why do people think it’s their business when it blatantly isn’t?! It’s such a personal thing to ask.

  13. I m reading your post because I got some irritated question of “when am I getting my second child” recently. I ended up having to explain to them that I had a difficult post natal and the fact that the first 3 years of my daughter’s life I had to do it on my own (I used to live long distance with husband and my parents, so nobody to help)… but ended up the asking mother could not understand fully what I went through. Its seriously sucks and irritateable; and sometimes I wish people know how happy I am to have just my daughter. But really, some of your points here are spot on. Not all parent with many kids understood what some of us went through or simply trying to accept that we are okay with only one kid.

    • Cardiff Mummy Says

      Hi, I’ve only just seen your comment. For some reason it went into my spam folder. I’m so sorry to hear this person was so insensitive to you. Sadly it seems an all-too common experience that people don’t realise that their comments can be upsetting. I just hope to raise a bit of awareness in the hope people will think before they ask such questions. We shouldn’t have to justify stuff like this to anyone. x

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